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Monday, September 28, 2015

Failing Unspectacularly

I quit my job today.

But that's skipping ahead a bit.

I've been pretty sure that I'm not meant to be a teacher since my first year.  But the first year is always hard, so I came back a second.  The second year was better and I thought "why not, let's try year 3."  I was getting comfortable, I had delightful coworker friends, things were okay.

Then my husband and I decided to move to New Orleans.  I was burnt out on teaching and hoping to start fresh.  But the jobs didn't come.  I spent a summer interning in school libraries while desperately applying for any and everything.  Barnes and Noble?  didn't call back.  Various secretarial positions?  never heard a word.  **** **** High School?  immediate job offer.

Okay, fine, universe.  I've always wanted to be in an inner city school setting; maybe this is what I was missing.

NOPE.

It was immediately evident that I wasn't in the right place.  As much as I thought I had checked my privilege, I had no clue.  That's yet another shitty aspect of white privilege.  Total ignorance.

I was a joke from the beginning.  Students would make insulting comments on my appearance out of nowhere, randomly come up and scream in my face, booty grind on me while I was at the front of the classroom trying to teach, the list goes on.

So I got help.  Looooots of help.  I had master teachers, mentor teachers, disciplinarians, vice principals all in my room.  They observed me, gave me strategies, talked to the students.  This was a curse disguised because the students saw that I had no power.  When others were in the classroom they would behave, but as soon as those they respected left and it was just me, chaos reigned.  These students were determined to run me out and teachers told me over and over that I couldn't let them win.  That they were used to people leaving them and were trying to see if I would, too.  That once they saw I wasn't leaving they'd back off.

However, the daily hell of it all began to affect me emotionally.  I have long had diagnosed depression and anxiety.  Through medication and coping mechanisms it is generally under control.  I began to not be able to control it, however, through the school week.

Panic attacks every morning led to me taking Ativan before class.  Depression + Ativan led to me coming home at 5pm and immediately taking my antidepressant and falling asleep.  Often I would wake up when my husband got home from work, say hello, and fall back asleep until my 5:30 am alarm went off.  Pop a couple Ativan and repeat the day.

On top of this cycle, some OCD tendencies that had been long hidden began to emerge.  I was washing my hands constantly, sometimes leaving the middle of class to scrub until they were raw.  At night I would hear yelling in my head and see images of maggots taking over my brain.  I would sit in the kitchen, obsessed with finding and killing cockroaches and then scrubbing the counters with bleach.

I started to become angry, one of the few emotions I rarely feel.  But I was in a near constant rage and would snap at students, barely keeping myself from spewing vitriol that would have been beyond damaging.  Driving home, I would calculate how hard it would be to flip my car over the Mississippi Bridge.

Today, my first and second periods start the same old shit:  A student calls me over, leering, "Ms. C*****, you're very pretty, but I'm not doing this assignment."  I respond as calmly as possible, but the jeering starts anyway.  "Ohhhhh she now getting attitude with us!"  "Girl you need to have some respect!"  "You're always fussing with us; that's why we don't like you." "You're going to find yourself in trouble."  "You're scared of *student name,* aren't you?"  "Yeah, she scared."

At lunch, the vice principal, my one champion, comes to ask how I'm doing.  For some reason, I'm honest.

"Really bad.  I don't know how much longer I can do this."

I just meant in general, but I quickly begin to weep, and the daily mental breakdown is now happening at lunch in front of my supervisor.  I start to have a panic attack, talking about how I'm losing control, losing my mind, and how I'm not sure I'm capable of holding down a job at all.  The lunch bell rings and I'm such a mess she gives me her office keys and tells me to go hide out.  She will take over my class until we can find a solution.

That solution ended up being a sub, with me in the principal's office handing in my letter of resignation, my keys, and my laptop.  I'll probably never see any of them again.

And so now I'm just another statistic.  What's the percentage of teachers who leave the profession before year 5?  Add my name.

Worse still, how many people have walked out on these kids who desperately need love even though they fight so hard against it?  Add my name to that list, too.


Sunday, July 19, 2015

A Confederacy of Dunces, or, A Frighteningly Accurate Portrayal of New Orleans

I finished this book nearly a month ago, so it's obviously imperative that I write this review now, at 1am on a Sunday.  I read this both on suggestion from a trusted source and as a part of a book club.

First things first:  A Confederacy of Dunces was written by John Kennedy Toole, a writer and professor from New Orleans.  He expected Dunces to be published as originally written, and was quite broken up when it wasn't.  An editor informed him that the book "[wasn't] really about anything" and that it wouldn't be published without significant revision.  Toole committed suicide at 31 before this happened, and his mother pushed to get the novel published.  In '81 Toole was posthumously awarded a Pulitzer.

I'm not some Toole expert; this is all fairly common knowledge and can be found on Wikipedia.  But I think it's important to know going in, because in some ways this book isn't about anything.  It's far from perfect and a little surprising as a Pulitzer winner.  However, the portrayal of New Orleans and its people is so accurate, so sharp and unflinching, that I understand the accolades.

Ignatius J. Reilly is our protagonist and boy if he isn't an anti hero.  He is disgusting, rude, clueless, and completely self absorbed.  He is 30, eats like a pig, lives with his mother, and complains about everything he finds distasteful or inappropriate, so...everything.  You love to hate him, or you just hate him.

He's surrounded by a cast of characters who are all flawed but at least slightly redeeming.  They are down on their luck and so quintessentially New Orleans.  The descriptions of the neighbors yelling at each other from their windows, of the shady bars with dolled up yet unappealing dancing girls in the Quarter, of the ineffective police force, are all palpable.  And I've experienced many of them in the short two months I've lived here.

The highlight of the book is certainly the New Orleans setting and characters.  As mentioned above, the plot isn't exactly scintillating.  In fact, there were many times I didn't want to pick the book back up.  But the laugh-out-loud-at-the-absurdity moments are unmatched and the satire is spot-on.  This city truly is an anomaly.  The people here are loud and alive and blunt and a little unsettling to a reserved Kansas girl like me.  I have already dealt with enough inefficiency to last me a lifetime (example:  it's 2 months in and we still don't have a properly working air conditioner...in New Orleans...in July...).  And sometimes the things people say shock and offend me.  But they mostly have good hearts and intentions.  It's just culture shock.

Some stand out moments for me that aren't spoiler-y:

  • Everything with Miss Trixie.  That woman was hilarious.
  • Ignatius' mother's habit of hiding her wine in the oven.  My mother was always storing things in the oven growing up, to the point where I still check my oven before preheating out of habit. 
  • His distaste of Mark Twain.  Mark Twain is a genius, so of course Ignatius hates him.  Of course he does.
  • The factory "rebellion"
  • Quotes like "Myrna's psyche is only capable of dealing with water in an oral context" that are so ludicrous I couldn't help but laugh out loud

I guess I should mention the dialects, which are...accurate?  I guess?  A white writer tackling AAVE is a touchy subject and I'm unfit to give input on it.  There's really only one named black character, which is problematic in itself for a novel that is lauded as so accurately New Orleans.  It's certainly not the only issue I had with the book, but the rest of my complaints are largely based on reader preference.

Apparently New Orleans itself is happy enough about Toole's work...they put a statue of Ignatius on Canal St.  I imagined him bigger, but I love that they included his ridiculous hat.



Though it wasn't my favorite, I'm so glad I read it.

All in all, I give A Confederacy of Dunces 6.5 out of 10 functional air conditioners.  



Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Library Internship

In the past month and a half I've graduated with my Master's in English, finished my third year of teaching, and moved to New Orleans from Kansas.



This past year I realized that some of my favorite things about teaching English are what a librarian does all day:  research and teaching research, recommending books, keeping up with young adult lit...
 
And so I decided to feel out the idea of becoming a librarian.  The first and biggest concern was that I just finished earning/*paying for* a Master's of English, and a Master's of Library Science would be a whole new few years and, more importantly, a whole lot more money.  That's not currently feasible for my husband & me.  So I scoured the internet and found a summer library internship with a district here in New Orleans.  The internship is unpaid, but it's only 20 hours a week so I thought I could just work another part time job to make money.  I've yet to find one, but thankfully I still have a few teaching checks left.

Like I was hoping, this internship has created some connections, and I've been in the running for the possibility of actual library employment once the summer is over.  Unfortunately, only part time positions are available so far.  I'm still interviewing for teaching jobs so that I have something to fall back on come autumn and also as another avenue to get my foot in the door.

At my internship, I'm stationed at a school that has a library space and *lots* of books, but they are in complete disarray.  As in, no one has been using this library because it is impossible to find anything.  Non fiction is mixed with fiction, chapter books are mixed in with atlases, and nothing is alphabetized.  However, by the end of the summer it will be a functional and cataloged library!  Often I'm there alone, so I listen to podcasts and organize to my heart's content.  The only thing that could make it any better is if I were getting paid, haha.  

constant avalanche of books

Some podcasts I've discovered are


It's a big adjustment not being a student...I've been one nonstop for the past 21 years!  I've been reading a lot of things I've always wanted to get around to and have been relaxing more than I have since childhood.  It's a bit boring but probably important.  

I just finished A Confederacy of Dunces and am in the middle of American Gods.  Next on my list is Five Days at Memorial to help me understand more about Katrina and its aftermath.  I was young and egocentric when it happened, and my knowledge is severely lacking.  I want to change that in order to live here respectfully. 



It's my desire to work around books and kids, so I am grateful to be where I'm at and will keep striving to make a living doing what I love. 

Monday, May 4, 2015

Chapters 11 & 12 of YAL in the 21st Century

"The classics shouldn't be reserved for exceptional students, and young adult literature shouldn't be reserved for at-risk readers.  When we create that dichotomy, we send an elitist message about the classics and an inferior message about young adult literature--and we fail our students" (513).


Nothing frustrates me more than the highbrow/lowbrow literature discussion.  I once got into a Twitter fight about this with a professor, and I have no regrets. 

Cole writes chapter 11 to integrate the classical canon with young adult literature through themes and motifs.  As always, her tables are accessible and helpful, such as the one that states and theme and then gives both a classic and YA novel that incorporates that theme. 

Chapter 12 continues along those same lines--commenting on the pop culture influence of young adult literature.  "If we examine popular culture texts," Cole argues, "we find stories that mirror life experiences, provide escape outlets, and present commentaries on societal issues" (558).  I have often been shocked at how poignant young adult literature can be, and how true not only to teenage experience, but to human experience. 

I really appreciate her section on companion texts, even including TV shows!  Relevance and buy-in is such a huge part of teaching high schoolers, and Cole gives plenty of resources for both.  She also recommends different magazines, which my students love.  I have so many magazines in my classroom it's unreal.  It doesn't matter if it's the most current issue of Time or an issue of US Weekly from 2013...if it's sitting on a desk, my students will read it. 

And that's what I love most about this textbook--the spectrum of reading material she presents.  So many English teachers are snobs about the "classics" that the joy of reading is lost in their classrooms.  I've long hoped that, if nothing else, my students will leave my room with a love of reading for fun.  This text has helped me on my journey to get there.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Teaching Notes for This Star Won't Go Out

 
 

 
 
 
 
Earl, Esther.  This Star Won't Go Out.  New York: Dutton Books, 2014.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Author Information:
 
  • Esther Grace Earl was diagnosed with thyroid cancer at the age of 12
  • She loved to write, draw, and journal
  • She died shortly after turning 16, and her parents published this book of her sketches, letters, journal entries, and more
  • She met John Green at Leaky Con 09, and he wrote the introduction to her memoir, as well as dedicated The Fault in Our Stars to her
 
Summary of Plot and Characters:
 
This memoir is set up much like a diary, which is fitting, as it contains many journal entries of Esther's.  It begins with words from her parents, Wayne and Lori, about her childhood.  Her journal entries are chronological, with added drawings and letters from around the same time.  The entries end with the last one she wrote, and are followed by a note from her dad explaining her death.  His eulogy for her is next, followed by notes from her friends about the impact she made on their lives. The book is honest and poignant--no one is trying to make Esther out to be a saint.  She was a normal teenager in many ways.  However, the impact she made on others is evident.  Teenagers would really connect with this book, and it would get them thinking about tough topics, such as their legacies.  I would like to have students write a journal using Esther's as a jumping off point.  They could write letters to family members, poems, and letters to their future selves.  
 
Historical Placement/Relevance:
 
This is an interesting topic, because one of the Goodreads complaints about this book is that lots of teenagers die from cancer, but they never met John Green, so their words don't get published.  Which is true.  I think the message of this book, however, can still reach many.  Teens (and adults!) can take so much for granted.  This book puts family, friends, school, and other blessings into perspective.  Furthermore, it's relatable because Esther was such a normal teenager.  She was addicted to the internet, to Harry Potter, and was a Nerdfighter.  Nerdfighteria has grown so large than hundreds of thousands have read Esther's work, watched her YouTube videos, and read John Green's words about her.
 
Annotated Bibliography:
 
Finley, Todd. "The Importance of Student Journals and How to Respond Efficiently." Edutopia. N.p., 01 Sept. 2010. Web. 1 May 2015.                                                   
 
I love Edutopia!  This article explains both the importance of student journals, but also gives advice to teachers on how to respond to them, since it is such a time-consuming task.  Mr. Finley quotes, "The legendary Toby Fulwiler, author of The Journal Book, writes, "Without an understanding of who we are, we are not likely to understand fully why we study biology rather than forestry, literature rather than philosophy. In the end, all knowledge is related; the journal helps clarify the relationship."   I would have my students read this to understand the purpose of the assignment.
 
"Thyroid Cancer." Thyroid Cancer. American Cancer Society, n.d. Web. 01 May 2015.
 
Students would undoubtedly be curious about what thyroid cancer actually is.  I would direct them to the American Cancer Society's web page on the disease for topics such as signs, symptoms, and statistics. 
 
"Welcome to TSWGO." This Star Won't Go Out Foundation. N.p., n.d. Web. 01 May 2015.  
 
This is the official website of Esther's foundation, run by her family.  Students might enjoy reading through the various causes she's indirectly supported and learning more of her story.  I might have students go here to develop a further understanding of how non-profits work.
 
Other Topics I Plan to Explore Further:
  • How people get cancer and how it spreads
  • TSWGO Foundation's charity rating
  • Leaky Con because it sounds awesome!

Also, this book completes my reading log assignment!




 
 
                                             


Thursday, April 30, 2015

Chapters 9 & 10 of YAL in the 21st Century

The Sophomore English class I teach has a short story unit.  It's at the beginning of the year in an attempt to incorporate literary elements early on, as well as to ease kids in to literary analysis.  The stories we read are:

The Lottery by Shirley Jackson
Lamb to the Slaughter by Roald Dahl
A Sound of Thunder by Ray Bradbury
Masque of the Red Death by Edgar Allan Poe
A & P by John Updike

I'm super passionate about all five, and students tend to like at least a few (the Dahl and Bradbury most). 

However, of the five, the most recent was written in 1961 (Updike), and none have any racial or sexual diversity.  Table 9.1 of chapter 9 has three columns:  a literary element, the classical short story taught with it, and a young adult short story that also exhibits that element well. I think this is an awesome way to give students some choice while still teaching the literary elements. 

If I were to teach this unit again, I would probably give the young adult options next to the classic options and allow a choice.  Perhaps for each literary element, students could choose which text they wanted, so long as they chose at least two from the "classics" column.

Chapter 10 is over non-fiction, which is a personal favorite of mine.  I love learning new things through books, and I'm always pleasantly surprised by the amount of students who ask for non-fiction recommendations.  Cole gives some good questions for evaluating and selecting non-fiction, such as "is the author and authority in his/her field?" and "is there a clear distinction between fact and opinion?" 

I think these questions are important to teach students, especially in an age where any nonsense can be written on the internet and shared as fact. 

Sports non-fiction is another genre that is engaging to students, especially those who often say they don't enjoy reading.  When I ask a student what they are interested in and they respond "sports," I am thrilled to offer them a plethora of reading options. 

Cole ends the chapter with suggestions for teaching text structure and summarizing with non-fiction.  She includes charts and graphic organizers that could easily be replicated.  She states, "As English language arts teachers, we should include a fair amount of nonfiction in our curriculum, providing models for the kinds of writing we ask them to do and models for other kinds of real-world reading and writing" (509).

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Chapters 7 & 8 of YAL in the 21st Century

*The end is near!  I graduate May 15!  I have so much work to do before then!*

I love the tables of book suggestions in this text.  I always flip forward and read those first before I read the rest of the chapter, just to see how many of the suggestions I've read and to get a general feel of what I should expect from the chapter.

Chapter 7 is titled "Mysteries, Thriller, and Horror," and this is a chapter I needed to read.  I have lots of kids ask for scary suggestions, and I usually have to defer them to the librarian.  I am someone who HATES being scared, so I stay away from scary books. (I try to stay away from scary movies, but my husband is a horror addict, so sometimes I get roped into watching them.) 

This chapter talked a little about why people like to be scared, but I still think those people are nuts.  Being scared is a terrible feeling.  I don't like feeling terrible. 

the exception to this is The Shining because it
is a work of genius.

Anyway.  For those who do enjoy feeling terrible, I now have a list of options.  One thing I really enjoy about this text is that all the books they recommend have literary merit.  I'm familiar with most of the authors, even if I haven't read the texts.  Furthermore, the tables are broken into sections for younger, older, and mature teens. 

Near the end of the chapter, Cole writes a section on inferential thinking and metacognition that has some helpful suggestions for getting students to make inferences.  I plan to try her think aloud strategies such as read, infer, share and also Kelly Gallagher's strategy of word scramble.

Chapter 8 is over science fiction and fantasy, another weak spot for me.  Cole breaks down many sub-genres such as "space operas, cyberpunk, and other science fiction adventures" and "genetics, DNA, and cloning."  I love the idea of finding a topic students are interested in and being able to recommend several books they might enjoy. 

She again gives reading strategies, this time visualizing strategies.  I appreciate the section on visualizing nonfiction since the Common Core is so heavy on NF.  Furthermore, she suggests vocabulary strategies since many science fiction books tend to be heavy on new words. 

Next up: short stories and non fiction.  I'm excited to get suggestions here, as the last book I need to read for this class is one from that genre.